


For a Lifetime

by plsenpai



Series: For a Lifetime [1]
Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, M/M, Mention of Prescription Drugs, Panic Attack, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-24 21:00:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13819365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plsenpai/pseuds/plsenpai
Summary: Sora and Riku. Childhood friends to lovers. This work will be my depiction of their relationship in a domestic setting through one shots. Fluff, Angst, and Hardships. More characters to be added.





	1. Routine

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. I've been wanting to write Soriku for YEARS. And I'm such a fool for domestic fluff. This fic may end up being a series of oneshots about Sora and Riku and their relationship with each other and those around them. <3

It was 8:45am when Riku slithered out from Sora’s weakened grasp and out of their bed. Riku was ready to start his day, even though he wasn’t scheduled to work until that evening. Sora had a name for this: _early riser._ He had called Riku that a total of two times – until the silver-haired snake shot the name back at Sora after a particularly embarrassing, and _premature,_ reaction to some soft foreplay. The nickname early riser has since been banned from both their vocabulary.

Riku was a man of routine. So he could get the most out of his day, his activities were always planned. In the past, he had his days laid out down to the hour – but, since he had started living with Sora, about six months ago, he quickly learned his habit would be impractical. How was he supposed to calculate solid plans when his counterpart never planned anything a day in his life? When asked “what are you going to do today?”, Sora would shrug and name a list of activities, peppered with ‘maybes’ and ‘we’ll sees’. Riku nearly had a stroke.

Riku had known Sora long enough to know this was bound to happen. The only thing that shocked Riku was his own realization that _this_ was his life now. He would have to adapt. And that mean he had to fight the urge to shake Sora awake before 9:30am, no matter how badly he wanted to.

Once, Riku tried to stay in bed in hopes of watching Sora open his eyes for the first time that day. However, lying in bed while wide awake made him uncomfortable. Thus, Riku returned to his morning routine he practiced for the last few years.

Brushing his teeth was the most important task, therefore it was the first thing on Riku’s agenda. There was a debate, in which Sora defended his belief that coffee should happen _before_ oral care – “or else the coffee tastes gross!” was one of his arguments. Riku remembered passionately defending the important of daily hygiene, claiming he couldn’t have his cup of coffee until his mouth was germ-free.

After using the bathroom and washing his face, the next step was the hair. Riku never planned on growing his hair long, but when Sora became insistent on combing his fingers through it and playing with it any chance he got, he indulged in it.

Most times, Riku wore his hair down around the apartment – unless, he was playing video games or cooking, or sleeping. Even as he slept, he piled his hair on top of his head – “It keeps the end from splitting”, he told Sora, who made a face and rolled his eyes.

 _I’m doing this for you, moron,_ he thought.

The two-times-a-week hair masks, the silk pillowcase, the three different brands of conditioner – all for Sora. Whatever it took to keep his boyfriend’s fingertips happy.

After detangling, Riku slipped out of the bathroom and out of their room, but not without a quick glance in Sora’s direction to make sure he was still sleeping.

It just turned nine o’clock when Riku entered the kitchen. He knelt to open the cupboard underneath the sink and pulled out a plastic watering jug. It was for the plants hanging on their balcony. Sora loved them, but left to his own devices, the plants would barely survive a week.

Once the jug was half-full, Riku walked over to the sliding door and pulled back the blinds. He glared through the glass.

“It’s you again.”

The gray cat sitting on the edge of the balcony paused mid-lick and looked up from its paw to stare at Riku. The cat’s eyes were wide, pupils dilated half their size.

“Don’t act so surprised,” Riku told the cat as he opened the sliding door and stepped onto the porch. “You knew I was coming.” The cat’s ear twitched and sniffed the air before continuing to lick its paw.

The stray had been lingering around for the last couple of weeks, and Riku told Sora the cat would have gone away sooner if he hadn’t been feeding it leftovers. _I can’t let him starve,_ was his boyfriend’s solid defense, and ever since, the stray had been a regular customer of their residence.

The cat, which Sora named _Meowjesty_ , usually came by around noon to nap on the balcony for a few hours. Then, it would leave for a while and return for an evening nap around 6pm. Only recently has the cat started to appear on their balcony in the morning. Riku wondered if Sora had some part to play in that.

After carefully watering the plants and rotating the pots, Riku turned to go into the apartment but was stopped when he felt Meowjesty throw its body into his leg. He looked down at the animal, who just began to purr as it wrapped its tail around his ankle.

For Riku, this situation was equally as awkward as dealing with children. It’s not that he didn’t like children or animals, but he didn’t know how to act around them. What do they like? What should I avoid doing? What makes them happy? What do they want?

Though, it was clear to Riku that all Meowjesty wanted was breakfast. He sighed. “I’ll be right back. Stay there, you’re not allowed inside.”

A few days ago, Sora had not-so-secretly bought and hid cans of cat food underneath the kitchen sink, shoving them as far back as allowed. _Did he really think I wouldn’t notice?_ Riku thought as he pulled out one of the cans.

_Scritch scritch_

Riku looked over his shoulder to see Meowjesty standing on its hind legs with its front paws scratching on the sliding door. He quickly sat up and dashed to the door. “No no no no no,” he whispered to himself when he opened the door and stepped outside. “You’ll scratch up the glass if you do that,” he lectured while he checked the sliding door for any marks.

Meowjesty was purring louder than before and was pawing at Riku’s leg. It could see the familiar can of food in his hand. Riku sighed in relief, the glass had not been scratched. Now, he turned his attention back to the feline.

“Here,” he peeled back the lid of the can and set it down. Meowjesty eagerly dove right in.

Now that chore was done, and Riku wouldn’t have to worry about the plants or the cat until before he left for work that evening. Next on the agenda, was coffee and breakfast.

For the most part, Sora was easy to please. He didn’t care much of what was on the menu for breakfast, lunch or dinner – if Riku was the cook, he was more than satisfied. But since he was off this morning, a simple bowl of cereal wouldn’t suffice – not for Riku, anyway. He was better than that.

Pampering Sora was Riku’s raison d’être. He only wanted to give his boyfriend the best. And today, the best meant a triple cheese omelet with peppers, bacon and a side of hash browns. He still had plenty of time to prep and cook before Sora would even roll over.

 

Sora was used to waking up cold. But it wasn’t as depressing as it sounded. He was more annoyed by it than anything. It was a constant reminder that he should go to bed earlier, rather than staying up to play video games until 3am. A constant reminder that Riku was always right for warning him about staying up late. But how was he supposed to go to bed early when he wasn’t even tired?

Sora rolled over onto his back and opened his arms wide, legs open, into a full-bodied stretch. He yawned until his jaw popped and then sat up in their mess of covers. The smell of cooking oil and _something delicious_ permeated the room. Sora stepped out of bed, and like a cartoon, let his nose lead his body to the smell.

Awaiting him on the bar was a freshly poured cup of coffee in his favourite Disney World mug. And just on the other side of the bar with his back facing him was Riku. Silver locks pulled back into a perfectly straight ponytail, with the tie of his apron across the middle of his back, Sora thought he was in a dream.

Waking up to Riku everyday for the past six months felt like a dream – too good to be true.

Sora walked straight past the coffee mug and on into the kitchen. He knew his last few footsteps gave him away (Riku knew he was coming anyways), but he was going to follow through. He leaned his cheek against his boyfriend’s back and wrapped his arms around his waist, squeezing.

“Mmmorning.”

Riku smiled. “Good morning, Sora.”

“Whatever you are making smells really yummy,” Sora said into Riku’s shirt.

“That’s because it’s your favourite.” Riku reached for the tongs so he could flip the hash browns over. Next, the omelet was ready to be flipped, which Riku did in one simple shake of the pan. All while, Sora clung to his back with his arms still around him.

In his head, Riku compared the feeling to laying on the shore on a summer day, the sun beating down on his skin. It was that comfortable kind of heat just like those first couple of minutes under the sun – that warmth you wish would last forever. That’s what Sora’s hugs were like.

“It’s just about ready,” Riku said. “Want to grab the plates?”

“Mhmm.” Sora gave Riku another tight squeeze before letting go. First, he grabbed his mug and took a generous sip of it. The plates were next, and after Sora set them out, he took a seat at the bar and patiently waited.

Riku just finished garnishing the top of their omelets with crumbles of fresh bacon and chives before presenting it to Sora.

“What did I ever do to be this lucky?” Sora whined.

Riku smiled and came around the bar, sitting in the spot next to Sora. He leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You didn’t have to do anything. You’re just you.”

Sora turned to look at his boyfriend, his blue eyes huge and watering. He was always a bit emotional and melodramatic before his first full cup of coffee. “I….I…”

Riku chuckled and took Sora’s fork, cut out of piece of omelet, and held it up to his pouty lips. “Just eat it, crybaby.”

Sora opened his mouth and bit the piece off the fork and chewed it. After he swallowed, he sniffled, and a tear rolled down his cheek. “It tastes SO good…”

“Sora, there’s no need for you to cry-”

“Rikuuu!” Sora threw his arms around his boyfriend and buried his face in his chest. “I love you so much. I love you _so freaking much_.”

Riku couldn’t help but smile and wrap his arms around Sora. He kissed the top of his bedhead and rubbed his back. “I know, I know. I love you too.”

After about a minute passed, Sora’s sniffles grew quieter. Riku was the first to let go. “Hey, how about you finish your coffee now? And your breakfast, before it gets cold.”

Sora groaned and pulled away from Riku reluctantly. He turned his attention to his _very_ attractive plate and began to shovel the food into his mouth. “What time do you work today?”

Riku pointed to the fridge, where both of their work schedules were posted. “Five.”

Sora wiped his runny nose with the back of his hand. Riku cringed. “Can we just sit on the couch and cuddle until then?”

Riku nodded and gave Sora’s thigh a gentle rub. “That’s exactly what I had planned.”


	2. That Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler free!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler free. 
> 
> Writing angst is my comfort zone. It is how I cope with my own emotions. Which is why I have been working on this for the last 4 months off and on.

“I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.” Sora said it quickly and under his breath. They were pointless words, and he only said them to take a jab at Riku, who was standing right in front of him.

“ _What_?” Riku could hear his own heart beating in his ears. **Thud. Thud.** His hands began to feel numb. “What did you say?”

Without a word, Sora turned around, walking out of the living area and back into their room.

 _What is happening?_ Riku thought. _Was this… a fight? But why?_ His feet started to move, taking him back into the room with Sora. “Why would you say that?”

Sora was taking off his shirt, which was stained from his friend’s drink. He threw it over his shoulder, a little too violently. “Say _what_?”

Riku swallowed, but it didn’t go down easy. His mouth had become as dry as dirt. “’I knew I shouldn’t have said anything’, why would you say that to me? I’m your _boyfriend_. You should tell me _everything_.”

“There was nothing to tell! Seriously, Riku, you’re being overbearing.”

 **Thud. Thud.** “ _Overbearing_?”

“He was just a friend, there wasn’t anything weird going on,” Sora crossed his arms over his chest. “You made a scene over it and it made me really uncomfortable. That was uncalled for.”

“Well what am I supposed to do? Let all the guys who flirt with you just rub themselves all over you and touch you like that?”

“That’s not what he was doing-!” Sora let out an exasperated growl and stormed by Riku, going into the bathroom. “I’m not going to explain myself AGAIN.”

Riku reached out, grabbing Sora’s elbow to hold him back. **Thud. Thud. Thud.** “Sora, stop this!”

“Don’t touch me,” Sora shook off Riku’s grip.

“Sora, you’re not this stupid-”

“ _Oh!_ So not only am I a slut, I’m _stupid_ , too? Ha!”

Riku felt the blood spreading up his neck and through his cheeks. It was suddenly hot, and his hands were now numb _and_ sweaty. “I didn’t call you a slut!”

“But you’re implying it. By saying that I’m okay with guys touching me – _strangers._ ”

“Sora, you’re drunk,” Riku said. “You’re not thinking straight and you’re saying stupid things. You’re making very dangerous assumptions and you just need to—”

“To what?” Sora raised his brow. He put his hand behind his ear and leaned forward, mockingly. “What was that? What were you gonna say?”

Riku was feeling more disgusted by the second. By Sora and his wretched attitude, and by himself. Because he wanted so badly to let his rage out. He was tempted to just leave. He needed out. He needed to get himself away, because everything was turning red.

“I know you weren’t about to tell me to shut up,” Sora said, poking at Riku’s chest. “You know, your true nature is _finally_ showing. You just want to keep me locked up in some little box—”  
“Sora, _stop_.”  
“You don’t want _anyone_ to touch me or to look at me, _ever_. And you don’t want me to stay _anything_ , like I’m some _treasure_ of yours. Some _possession_.”

“Dammit Sora, I told you to stop!” Riku growled and pushed past him, charging through the living room.

Sora skipped behind him. “I hit the jackpot, didn’t I? I solved the puzzle!”

Riku was looking for his jacket, which wasn’t on the coat rack like it should have been. Sora was the last one to use it, and he _never_ put things back where they were supposed to go.

“You’re running because you’re scared. Because I figured you out,” Sora poked at Riku’s back. He was too busy throwing the pillows off the couch, digging to find his jacket. Some of the pillows flew and hit the cups that were left on the coffee table. They fell onto the carpet, the contents instantly permeating and staining the carpet.

“Sora, stop touching me,” Riku warned. He moved on from the couch to the hall closet, where he furiously swept through the hangers of clothing.

“All you have to do is apologize and we can go back to normal,” Sora said in a voice that was way too light for the situation.

 _Wrong. We can’t go back after this_ , Riku thought. Because _this_ was bad. This night was terrible, awful, horrible. And he had to get out. At least until he could take out his fury on a brick wall. Then, he could come back in the morning with dry blood on his knuckles and some apologies.

“What are you looking for?” Sora stumbled into the wall and kept himself there, relying on it to hold him up. He watched as Riku rushed from the closet back into the living room.

“My fucking jacket. Because you never put it back where it’s supposed to go.”

“ _Oooh,_ that thing.” Sora hiccupped. “I think I gave it to that guy at the bar.”

**Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud.**

“You _what_?” The heat was gone now. It was eaten by a cold wave that crashed over Riku’s body. He felt his mind go numb.

“Yeah, when he spilled the drink on me, I took it off and he held onto it for me,” Sora’s words were becoming more slurred. His eyes were dull, not matching his devious smile. “I think I even made him try it on-”

Something broke inside Riku. Everything around him went dark, except for Sora. He was just standing there, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed and a smug face. It was very unbecoming. This wasn’t _him_. This wasn’t _his Sora._

“Who _are_ you?”

“What do you mean _who_?” He hiccupped again. He saw Riku coming closer, but there were two of them. He blinked to try to make him go away, but it didn’t help. “I’m _Sora_.”

Riku, now in Sora’s personal bubble, looked down at him. “No. You’re not. _My_ Sora wouldn’t act like this.”

Sora’s brow furrowed, and he clenched his fists. He moved off the wall and stood as tall as he could, which was still a good six inches shorter than Riku. “I was never _your_ Sora, Riku. You don’t own me-!”

The sound of Riku’s fist diving into the wall stole Sora’s breath away. Almost immediately, he felt all the alcohol in his system flare in his stomach and begin to sneak up into his chest. He threw his hand up to cover his mouth. The tough-guy-act was gone, replaced by a sobered and familiar look of fear – one that made Riku immediately draw his fist back from the wall.

Riku almost tripped over his own feet, he pulled away so quickly. _Shit shit shit._ “Shit!” He pushed his hair back from his face with both of his hands and kept backing up until he was against the wall across the room.

Sora said nothing, but he started to heave. He sank to his knees, his arms wrapped around his stomach. “Go away…” The words were forced. If he opened his mouth again, he was sure he would vomit onto the carpet. _Another_ stain.

Riku wanted to move closer. He wanted to help Sora to the bathroom, because he knew what was about to happen. But the ugly hole in the wall stared back at him as if to say: **Don’t come any closer. You’ve done enough.**

“I said go away—!” Those four words were too much. Whatever was left in Sora’s system was now on the floor. It was violent and pitiful, and it hurt Riku to watch. But the gaping hole in the wall was right.

He did enough.

Riku dashed for the door and threw it open. He didn’t know if it was the angry chill of winter or the sound of Sora’s heaving that made him hesitate.

_We can’t go back after this._

Even though it was excruciating, Riku ignored those sounds and embraced the winter air.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not think I want Riku to hurt Sora. That is NOT my implication. Domestic violence is NOT my implication. Please continue to read the next part.


	3. That Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler free

Sleep was a myth, Sora was sure of it. Even after he cried out his entire soul into his pillow – which took what little energy he had left – he still couldn’t fall asleep. He sobered up somewhere between 3:30 and 4 in the morning but considered grabbing a drink from the fridge once he saw the sun rise.

 _Maybe it would put me to sleep,_ he thought. But he couldn’t do that. When Riku came back… _if_ Riku came back, he wanted to be sober. He needed his rationality now more than ever now that his relationship was in jeopardy.

“Shit, the door-” Sora shot up from the bed and bolted for the front door. It was locked. Hanging next to the doorframe was Riku’s pair of keys. “I must’ve locked it after,” he muttered. He unlocked the door and pulled it open, half-expecting to see Riku standing on the other side. But no one was there.

Disappointed, and embarrassed, Sora shut the door and turned his back to it. “What the hell am I doing,” he rubbed his raw eyes with the backs of his hands and sat down on the floor. “Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying…”

 

Years ago, Riku convinced himself he didn’t belong in this world if he wasn’t with Sora. So where exactly was he supposed to run to? He had left his wallet and his keys in the apartment, so that ruled out driving to a motel. Or to Kairi’s apartment. God, he felt too dirty and guilty to even consider running to Kairi. She would give him a chance, even though he didn’t deserve one.

The city park was close, and empty. But Riku wasn’t about to be outed by the police for looking suspicious. After all, what kind of man sits in a child’s swing set at 2am?

The bar was inappropriate.

That was four places, and Riku couldn’t be a part of any of them. So, he kept walking. At one point, he crossed the bridge that hovered the river. He spent at least an hour and a half leaning over the bridge’s edge, watching the still water beneath.

_I wonder how cold it is. I wonder how deep. Would it hurt? Would it kill me?_

He stood there until his legs were fuzzy and he could see the glimmer of dawn on the water. Time was a ghost. And Riku didn’t believe in ghosts. Sora believed in ghosts, though, ever since they were kids. Sora would tell Riku the cave on the island was haunted. He claimed he would hear voices and rocks would be misplaced every time him and Kairi would come back after a day of play.

 _“It’s all in your head.”_  
“Ghosts aren’t real.”   
“There isn’t life after death.” 

Riku pondered on that last thought. No life after death meant there was no _Sora_ after death. He wasn’t religious, but the closest thing Riku had to a belief system was that there was only one life to live. There is no other circumstance or situation in this universe where Riku would be able to live his life again, with the same exact people, in this same exact way. He had no other opportunity to know Sora, no other _life_ to live with Sora - one where they didn’t have issues and didn’t fight. There wasn’t a life out there waiting for him where Sora wouldn’t snore like a train horn. Where Sora’s kisses didn’t taste like spearmint bubblegum. Where Sora didn’t have the world’s messiest bed head.

This was the only reality where Riku could exist in the same universe with _this_ Sora. And he had screwed it up _royally_.

Riku felt a buzz in his back pocket. He reached for it so quickly, he almost dropped it. There wasn’t even case on it – Sora had ordered him a new one after he busted his last one. He still had two days until it would arrive to their apartment.

The phone screen was lit up with a picture of a goofy-smiled boy that had a bottle of champagne in one hand and his boyfriend’s face in the other. They both had on ‘Happy New Year’ light-up headbands and sparkling glow sticks around their necks. New Years happened to be Sora’s birthday, and Riku would never let himself forget how memorable that night was.

He gulped, even though his mouth was dry from the winter chill. Brought the phone up to his ear.

“Sora?”

 

_“Calling him first is just admitting you were in the wrong.”_

The advice wasn’t even for him. Sora had just happened to be having lunch with his friends one day when one of them mentioned they were in a fight with their boyfriend. But it stuck with him. And it wouldn’t stop playing in his head over and over as he stared at Riku’s number on his phone.

He put his phone down on the counter and walked away. He opened the sliding door to the porch and took a deep breath. The air was frigid and burned his lungs. “I’m not in the wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong!” He told himself.

Only seconds later he turned around and walked back inside, closing the door behind him. “I’m not wrong, I’m not wrong…”

The events of what happened at the bar have been slowly resurfacing since sunrise. He remembered a guy, about Riku’s height, who bought him a drink while Riku stepped away to greet one of their friends at the club’s entrance. The guy was making him laugh and kept getting closer and closer as they talked – excuse being the music was too loud. At some point, he had his hand on Sora’s thigh. He didn’t push it off. And somewhere in their shallow conversation, the guy gave his thigh a squeeze and slid it up higher, between his legs.

Sora’s skin crawled. He threw himself onto his and Riku’s bed. He lay still for a moment. Then he rolled off onto the floor, doing nothing to break his fall. He wasn’t _clean_ enough to afford the luxury of lying in bed.

He stared at the ceiling. He remembered pulling away from the guy when he felt it was too much. He met up with Riku and their friend and his date on the dancefloor. They had a couple of songs when Riku and their friends wanted to hit up the bar again. Sora had already been a couple of drinks ahead. He wanted to stay on the dancefloor.

Sora covered his eyes and felt a panic settle in his chest. He knew he was about to process something regrettable.

He remembered dancing, and body warmth. He thought Riku had come back from the bar and was ready for another song. But Riku wasn’t ever this handsy out in public. Not even at a club. But a few drinks could make anyone break their own rules. So, Sora closed his eyes and obliged. He rocked his hips in time and let those hands roam his body. He laughed and even whined a little at the suggestive touches. He was really enjoying himself, so much so that he didn’t even care when he felt a drink spill on him. It felt _amazing_ not to be bogged down by his daily anxieties.

Sora sat up, gripping onto his stomach. He was sure there was nothing left in his system after the vomit from last night. But his insides were beginning to churn once again when he remembered Riku’s face upon being caught on the dancefloor.

It was mixed with many emotions. Anger was the most obvious expression. But once Riku pushed the guy away and looked at Sora, all he could see in his eyes was hurt.

Sora stood and made a break for the toilet.

He could remember the fight vividly, now. He remembered how immature he was by picking on Riku. Why he said those things, he wasn’t really sure. He never felt _owned_ by Riku, really. He liked being prized and treasured by the man that he loved. He didn’t feel like he was in a cage. Nothing and no one was forcing Sora to be with Riku. It wasn’t against his will. He made the choice to be with Riku, and that was that.

Riku did have a possessive side, but it never crossed the line. It never made Sora feel uncomfortable.

“So why the fuck did I say that…” Sora was looking at himself in the mirror now. He just mouth washed for the 5th time that morning but still felt dirty. _Everything_ felt dirty. He tore off his clothes and turned the shower on as hot as the water would allow. It stung his skin, but he scrubbed his entire body over and over. Even when the temperature became too hot to stand, Sora let it burn.

He _let_ another man touch him in ways only Riku was allowed. Alcohol did play a part in it, but it wasn’t a good enough excuse for Sora. Just a pathetic one.

He collapsed onto the shower floor and brought his knees to his chest. His skin felt like fire and he was growing dizzy. “I’m sorry…” He said in a hushed voice. The tears were flooding again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Riku I’m so sorry!” He was wailing now, and on the verge of passing out. He felt drunk all over again. His sight was blurring and the room around him was spinning.

“I have to tell you I’m sorry… I have to tell you!” He reached to turn off the water and got up, too quickly, and stumbled out of the shower. He rushed passed the basket of towels and on into their room, searching for his phone. When he didn’t find it in their room, he hurried into the living room, tripping and falling into the wall on the way. He was too worked up to give up. Somehow, he picked himself back up and went into the kitchen, where he found his phone on the counter.

He unlocked it with a swipe. Luckily, Riku’s contact was still open. Sora was convinced he wouldn’t be able to navigate through his phone to find his number. He pressed the green icon and put the phone on speaker. It only took a few rings before he answered.

 

All Riku heard for the first minute was Sora sobbing. Within that sixty seconds, Sora tried to speak, but ended up blubbering and crying even more.

“Hey, hey, calm down,” Riku said, clearing his throat. He hadn’t said a word since last night. “Sora, you have to breathe.” He made out a whiny rejection in Sora’s sobbing. Riku was already speed walking off the bridge and in the direction of their home. (Granted, he was still a 30+ minute walk away from their apartment). “Sora listen to me. You’re going to pass out, you need to breathe. Remember what I taught you?”

Sora’s sobbing turned into a cacophony of coughs. Riku’s chest ached. “Sora, you have to breathe okay? Breathe with me, I’ll do it with you, okay? Remember how to do it? You’re going to breathe in for four counts, and hold it for four counts, okay? Deep breath, okay? I’m going to do it to. Listen, okay? One, two, three…” Riku stopped walking for a moment before he lost his own breath. He sucked in air for four counts, making it loud enough so Sora could hear. In the four counts of silence, he heard Sora barely trying to take his first breath, but he was just hiccupping.

It was almost unbearable. Riku wished he hadn’t left, he wish he could just be there, like a good boyfriend, and walk Sora through this exercise. He breathed out in four painfully slow counts, making sure to follow through for Sora’s sake. “Sora, I know you’re trying. Let’s do it again, okay? Can you breathe with me? Ready? One, two, three…”

This time, Riku could hear Sora’s shaking breaths over the phone. The poor lad couldn’t make it to four full counts without hiccupping, but he did hold it for four counts. And when he exhaled, it was rushed and turned into a cry.

“That was good, baby. Let’s do it again. You’re doing better, let’s do it again, okay?” Riku walked him through the next part of the exercise, which Sora followed with improvement. This time, Riku didn’t interrupt. He continued the exercise until Sora had followed him to the tee. After the last run through, Sora let out a long and slow exhale. And then there was silence.

“Sora?”

There was a long pause. “Riku?”

“Are you still at the apartment?”

“…Yeah.” His voice sounded far away. Riku knew well enough that Sora could still pass out from the exhaustion of his panic attack.

“I’m coming to you,” Riku said, starting at a brisk walk. “I’m going to be right beside you soon, okay? Can you wait for me?”

“….Mmm.”

“Try to stay awake, okay?”

“…Riku?”

“Yes, baby?”

“…”

“Sora?”

“…I think I’m…”

“Mhm?”

“I’m going to… draw my toes.”

Riku almost sighed a sigh of relief. He nodded, at a jog now. “That’s good. Draw your toes, okay? Don’t leave any of your toes out of the picture. I’ll be right there, okay?”

“Ok…ay. I’m going to hang up so I can…draw my toes.”

“I’ll be right there, baby. I promise.”

Click.

Riku was now in an all-out sprint back to their apartment.

 

When Riku arrived at their apartment, he was disturbed that the door was unlocked. _Did he leave it like this all night?_ But even more disturbing was walking into the apartment to see Sora laying on the floor in the living room, sprawled out. Naked.

“Sora!” Riku rushed to him, kneeling down by his side. Sora looked like he was sleeping. Riku wanted to sweep him up and get him wrapped in a blanket, but he knew he had to be gentle. He didn’t want to risk freaking Sora out again. “Sora, can you hear me?” Riku scooped his arm behind Sora’s shoulders and gently raised him a few inches off the ground. “Sora?”

Sora nodded. “I can hear you,” he said, his voice groggy. “Room…spinning.”

“You don’t have to open your eyes, it’s okay.” He glanced at Sora’s body, his skin was covered in red splotches. “You’re burning up. I’m going to move you, okay?” Riku didn’t hesitate this time. He lifted Sora into his arms.

This feeling was familiar to Sora. Despite being dizzy, he coiled himself in Riku’s arms and pushed his face into his neck. “Make it stop spinning.”

“I’ll make it stop, don’t worry.” Riku carried him into their bedroom and gently placed Sora on the bed. He grabbed the plug-in fan from their closet and set it to blow air directly onto Sora. Next, he grabbed a pair of boxers from their dresser drawer and pulled them on Sora. He eyed the prescription bottle on the bedside table. He knew how Sora felt about taking that pill.

“Do you need to take one?” He shook the bottle, as if Sora needed a hint to understand what Riku had asked.

Sora covered his face with his arms. “No. The worst of it is over.”

Riku sat on the end of the bed, next to Sora’s feet. He placed his hand on his leg. “Is there anything that I can do?” He hated having to ask. For as long as he had known Sora, he felt he should _know_ what to do.

Sora let out a shaky breath. “Riku.”

“Yes?” He watched Sora uncover his face and slowly sit up to face him. Sora’s eyes were red and puffy. There was something dried and crusty on his chin. Probably vomit. “Sora, you don’t have to-”

Sora grabbed Riku’s face and pulled him close. There was nothing gentle about it. He stared directly into Riku’s eyes. His gaze gave Riku chills. He had seen this look before, but only in the heat of competition. This was Sora’s burning glare of solemnity. Whatever he was about to say was genuine, and from the heart. He would mean his next words so fiercely that not even the gods would change his mind.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” Sora’s voice had a sudden strength. “I am so sorry I hurt you. I’ll never hurt you again. Do you hear?”

Riku felt his gut drop. He had a front row seat to the tears forming in Sora’s eyes. He hated the way it looked. He hated how Sora looked beautiful no matter what. Even when he was in pain. And he hated himself for liking it so much. “Sora-”

“I’m sorry I hurt you.” His voice was beginning to shake. And the look of control in his face was starting to crumble. He gasped, sharp. It was the noise of when an intense sob is about to surface, after fighting to keep it down. Sora hands were shaking against Riku’s face. “I’m sorry I h-hurt you,” he hiccupped. “I’ll n-never hurt you again. Do you hear me? I’ll never… ever hurt you again. I won’t. I’ll never-” Riku nodded, showing Sora that he was following his every word. He felt his eyes sting.

“Okay, Sora.” Riku said. He nodded as Sora blubbered on, unable to stop his train of apology. Riku pulled Sora into his chest. He buried his hand in Sora’s wet hair, cradling his head. “It’s okay now, Sora. I know you won’t. I know… I’m sorry, too.”

Sora put his hands on Riku’s shoulders and peeled himself off his chest. “Wh- _what?_ Why are _you-?_ ”

Riku combed his fingers through Sora’s hair, slicking it back. “I hurt you too. I lost my temper last night. And I left you here alone…”

Sora shook his head. His words were growing sluggish. His eyes were hazy. “I pushed you away. I made you leave. ‘s my fault!”

“But I left you! Even when I promised you I would never-!” Riku’s throat closed tight. He took a breath and collected himself. He held Sora’s face with his hand. He gingerly swiped his thumb over the freckles on his cheeks. He gulped. “I’m sorry that I’m overbearing. I will work on it. I just love you so much, Sora.”

Sora covered Riku’s hand with his own. He shook his head. “You’re not overbearing. You just love me. And I… I messed everything up.” Sora’s face was soaked with tears that wouldn’t stop flowing. “I’m a terrible person. I’m the lowest of the low. I-” Riku knew where this was going. He covered Sora’s hand with his mouth, because that was the only way to stop his self-deprecating spiral.

“You’re not any of those things, Sora. You’re-”

Sora swiped Riku’s hand away a bit too harshly. “I am! I’m horrible! I’m the one who did something wrong, and somehow you are apologizing to _me_. This is wrong, Riku. I’m _wrong_.”

Riku grabbed Sora’s face again, firm this time, and with both hands. “Listen to me. You’re not horrible. You just made a mistake. I make mistakes _all_ the time, Sora. But it’s okay, because I have _you_.”

Sora had his eyes squeezed shut. He didn’t want to face Riku’s sincerity. It was frightening.

“Look at me, Sora. I want you to look at me.” Reluctantly, Sora opened his eyes. Everything was blurry. With a few blinks, he was able to see Riku’s face clearly. Everything else in the room was fuzzy. Everything else didn’t matter.

Riku met his forehead with Sora’s. “I know you didn’t mean to do it. I know you didn’t want to hurt me. You would never do something like that. Your heart is too big.”

Sora sniffed, but it wasn’t enough to keep the snot from running down. He wiped it with the back of his hand. “I don’t want to say it was because I was drunk. That’s not fair to say.”

“Well, I say it was _because_ you were drunk.” Riku said with the most care. “I can erase the pain from last night and what happened if you just tell me you love me. Just tell me you love me, and everything will be okay, Sora.” Riku was afraid he sounded too pathetic. Too manipulative. Was he being manipulative? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure he could just _forget_ about last night. But he had wanted to. He wanted the image of Sora with another man’s hands on his body to not show up every time he blinked. Maybe, if Sora would just tell him he loved him, he could be free of that image.

“ _I love you_ , Riku.” Sora was holding onto Riku’s hands with all his strength. “I love you so much, Riku. I don’t want you to leave me, _ever_. Even when you get mad. Even if its _bad_ mad. I want you to stay with me and let me calm you down, just like you do for me.”

Riku couldn’t imagine a scenario in which he would have wanted to stay in the same room as Sora after he punched a hole in the wall. For Sora’s safety. It was embarrassing, and scary. What if Sora thought he tried to hurt him? Riku would never lay a hand on Sora in that way. He would never want to cause him pain. He would rather die.

“The look on your face…” Riku dropped his gaze and pulled away. He let his hands fall from his boyfriend’s face, but Sora kept holding onto them. “You looked… scared of me.”

Sora reinforced his grip on Riku’s hands, bringing them to his chest. “I was just startled.”

Riku’s brows knit together and he shook his head. “I lost control. I…”

Sora moved himself from his half-sitting up position to onto his knees, scooting closer to Riku. He let go of his hands so he could wrap his arms around Riku’s shoulders. “I think you looked more scared than I did.” Sora remembered Riku’s face last night, drawn in terror as he stared at his fist in the wall. The panic when he pulled himself away and grabbed a hold of his own hand, drawing it back like it had a mind of its own. The tears that escaped his eyes.

“Riku, I know you would never hurt me.” His soft reassurance made Riku’s lips quiver. He covered his mouth, not wanting his own cries to be heard. “You weren’t trying to. I know you weren’t. You would never do that.”

Riku felt pitiful. How did he ever land a guy like Sora? What planets aligned to make this happen? Who graced Riku with this destiny even though he felt so undeserving? And _why?_ “I… Everything was- I couldn’t see anything. Everything was red and I-” His words caught in his throat again. “Oh God, Sora, I’m so sorry!”

Riku angled himself so he could wrap his arms around Sora in return. He buried his face in his bare chest and squeezed him tight. This way, he could cry. Hidden, out of sight. The only way he knew how.

Sora adjusted himself to sit on Riku’s lap. He held onto his boyfriend just as tight, even though it made him dizzy. He pets Riku’s hair gently, even dipped his nose in it to get a good whiff of his scent. It was calming, and way stronger than the Xanax he had on the table.  

“Sora, are you okay?” Riku was concerned when Sora’s body went limp in his arms. Sora’s nose was in Riku’s neck, and his arms were draped lazily over his shoulders.

“’m fine, Riku,” he hummed. “’m sorry, it’s just the…exhaustion.”  

Riku wiped his face and pulled himself away from Sora’s chest. “Here, let’s lay you down.”

Sora and Riku were no stranger to the rush of uncontrolled panic. Every nerve in the body becomes tense and tries to function ten times quicker than normal. It’s like riding a cloud, but a cloud that is going 80 miles per hour in the direction of outer space – straight up. You don’t know what’s out there. You just know you can’t survive out there. The higher you ascend, the less your lungs can take in. The more you prepare yourself for the inevitable, whatever that may be. You won’t ever know. You can only imagine it one thousand times and the rest is left to chance.

The comedown is hard. It’s a sudden realization that gravity does, in fact, exist and that you are no exception. All of the tension releases at the same time, leaving every fiber of your being throbbing. Your organs settle back into place, where they were never supposed to move from. The lungs loosen. And the ache of exhaustion is equally as strong as the panic had been.

Sometimes Sora would feel the anxiety more than Riku, and vice versa. But it didn’t matter. All panic was just as validated. Luckily, they had known how to take care of each other, for the most part. Aftercare for a panic attack varied between them, this is what made Riku unsure and frustrated. Sometimes Sora would be offended when Riku would suggest taking a pill, while other times Sora would cry for it. Riku still couldn’t tell what to offer when. But what always worked the best was his company.

“Lay with me.” Sora reached for Riku, who was standing beside the bed now. He had Sora bundled up under the covers. “Don’t go anywhere for a while.”

Riku didn’t hesitate. Ever since he took a step outside the apartment, he wanted nothing more than to be next to Sora. He needed to enjoy this. Relish in Sora’s presence. It was warm with him, always.

Just like laying on the beach.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I find I like writing messy situations. High emotions, fights, panic, and the aesthetics of all three happen in a multitude of ways. None of them are wrong. Sometimes we just need to be pointed in the direction of how to properly handle our emotions. 
> 
> I did not want to blatantly resolve their issue in the end. Sometimes, you are just too tired to fix the heart of the issue.


End file.
